What Will Make Me Happy?

Happiness is one of the hardest things to achieve in our life. It is also one of the hardest terms to understand. We can hear this word or even its root word 'happy' in so many events, places, and moments--'Happy Birthday!', 'We wish you all the happiness in the world!', etc., but do we know what 'being happy' really means? Does it have a general meaning that applies to every person in this world??

Some may say living with your loved ones makes us happy. For some, it's about getting rich. Some people consider themselves happy when they get to do what they want to do. And some are happy because they are in service of the Almighty.

Now I ask myself, am I happy? If yes, what are the things that make me happy? If no, what will make me happy?

I am currently unhappy because I have lots of problems---money, debts, schooling siblings, conflicts in relationships, unstable work, and many many more. I think I am born to be like that. I'm meant to be a strong person facing the craziest problems that exist. Yet, I know I could have not been like this if only I made the right decisions in the past. If only I managed to know my priorities. So many could have beens. But at this point in my life, I could not go back to those mistakes anymore and keep myself frustrated.

I am unhappy because I don't feel enough sincere love from the people around me. I always feel that they only love me for what I can do for them, not for who I am--even if I just be me at my simplest state. As a result, I keep myself timid and try not to give them what they need from me, and see if they would still say 'hi' to me for the sake of greeting me or making my day happy. But more often than not, I feel like I am just a nobody.

This another frustration of mine led me to loving others the way I want to be loved, hoping that somehow, they would also make me feel that they love me for the only person I am. But again, I see it as a failure. Because they just get choked with the attention that I am giving them. Too much for what they need.

See? I think I am truly unhappy at this point because instead of writing about the happy things that I have in my life, I spent at least three paragraphs already only to talk about my frustrations.

So what will really make me happy?

I will be happy if when I look at the mirror, I see the most beautiful me... with healthy hair, blooming skin, and warm smile. I hope I can do that with the little shampoo and soap left in the bathroom. I hope I can really get to smile with all my heart. Despite the modesty that I naturally have.

I will be happy if I get to sleep on a comfortable bed.

I will be happy if I will be able to buy the things that I want to have --- shoes, a few office and casual clothes, camera accessories, and painting materials.

I will be very happy if I will have the chance to make my Lola happy too.---treat her to a vacation or give her a comfortable room to sleep in.

I will also be happy to see myself playing a rhapsody on the piano.

I will be ultimately happy if I can go to a place where nobody will talk to me, call me, blame me, scold at me, ask for my assistance, or command me. I just want to be with my laptop, camera, easel, canvas, paints and paintbrushes, fresh juice, and fan alone. I want to be in a place where I can think about things over, without interruption or time limit. To cut the story short, I want to live a solitary life.

I will be extremely happy if I get to go to places and explore the beauty of nature. With my camera, I want to capture the sceneries around me.

I will be completely happy if I will be loved by someone with all his heart, giving me just enough so that I can be at my very best.

I will be totally happy if I will be able to love someone the way he wants to be loved. I love not for my own good, but I love to make someone happy.

I will definitely happy to see myself doing good at work, photography, arts, music, sports, and in achieving happiness through the reasons that I listed above. I am very far from the peak of being happy right now. But I want to be there soon, very soon.

Back in Your Arms

I'm back in your arms, my Toilet
After quite sometime
At this moment, so dark

You held me once again
Wiped away my tears,
Took away the hurt,
And gave me reason to live.

Tell me, Toilet
Do I deserve this?
Maybe yes.
Because I did something wrong before.

All I wanted is to love
And to be loved.
Oh my Toilet, catch me!

Shouldn't be like this.
I have to leave.
Thanks again.